Have you considered intentionally working less in your business or career to prioritize your motherhood? Or maybe you desire to take a career pause from your paid work to focus your time and energy on family life? These decisions can be tough ones to make, especially when it can feel like the world is telling us that we should do it all and just keep pushing harder and harder. If you're craving slowing down, softness, maybe you feel a little over girl bossing right now, or maybe you've decided you don't want a seat in the C-suite right now, but you do still consider yourself an ambitious woman, this episode is for you.
I’m talking to Neha Ruch, creator of Mother Untitled about what it can look like to take a career pause or downshift your work or business. Pausing doesn't mean you're falling behind. It just means you know your priorities for the season and you're pursuing those priorities. So, in this episode, we're really talking about what that can look like and how we can start redefining how to do a pause.
Neha shares about:
- Why the term stay-at-home mom needs a rebrand
- The reality of what it looks like to be a stay-at-home mom in 2024
- How many American women are desiring career pauses and downshifts (and what we can do to pursue one)
- What a pause or downshift even is (if those terms feel new to you)
- What you can do to enjoy a career pause
- How you can use a pause to develop your sense of identity aside from your work
Plus, she also talks about how you can ultimately leverage time away from the traditional workforce to network, explore, and ultimately return stronger than ever.
As a mom of little kids, I felt just so honored to get to have Neha on the podcast, and I think you will also really enjoy this conversation. I’ve gleaned a lot from it and from her work and it’s been really impactful for me.
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Who is Neha Ruch of Mother Untitled?
My name is Neha. I live in New York with my two children and our dog Coconut. When I had my first son eight years ago, it was the height of the Lean In movement and the height of the Girl Boss era. I had just clocked in a decade climbing the ladder in brand marketing. I’d gotten an MBA from Stanford and checked all the boxes.
Then, I had my son. I was rocking with him in a glider and thought, "Oh, finally I feel at peace and I want more of this." I chose to downshift and eventually pause my career because it worked better for me. I wanted that for myself, but I was gobsmacked by the intense shame and stigma I felt reflected by my peers, my family, my colleagues.
Everyone had this sort of antiquated sense of what it means to be a stay-at-home mom. They saw me as suddenly giving up on my ambition, suddenly being a traditionalist at home with an apron.
From there, I met incredible women who were making bold choices to change their work dynamic and yet had years of work experience before having children, had equitable relationships with their partners, had access to digital tools, so they were still finding ways to grow and create. None of it matched the character of the stay-at-home mother, which is when I started building Mother Untitled. We really are the first platform to work on changing that narrative.
Now, as we'll talk about, I have a book coming out called The Power Pause, and hopefully it continues to amplify this very necessary conversation change.
You’ve talked about how the term "stay-at-home mom" needs a rebrand. It can feel like you're giving up your career or that stay-at-home moms are lazy or privileged. How can we change the narrative and the stigma?
Let’s first talk about how stay-at-home mothers are misunderstood. At Mother Untitled, we commissioned a survey of 1,200 stay-at-home mothers across the United States called the American Mothers On Pause Survey, in partnership with Proof Insights.
Nearly eight in ten stay-at-home mothers said they feel grossly misunderstood. This universal feeling stems from inheriting a caricature that no longer matches the modern reality. Historically, the media and the second wave of feminism in the 1970s portrayed a sudden power chasm between the progressive woman working out of the home and the traditionalist at home.
We saw iconic ads of women on top of washing machines with cookies and characters like June Cleaver, creating a dichotomy. The media rallied around the woman working out of the home but left the woman at home in the 1970s.
Today, women have children later in life, have access to digital tools and resources, and have accrued more education than any generation prior, yet we still see outdated narratives. Parenthood today is more intense than ever. Women often feel discounted for their prior work experience and the intellectual labor of running a household. This mission is to shine a light on that work so women don’t feel like they’ve given up.
It's important to remember this is a career pause, not a life pause. Women can return to the workforce when they’re ready.
Should we use another word for “stay-at-home mom”?
The phrase "stay-at-home mom" is so embedded in our vernacular that it’s burdened with stereotypes and caricatures. Our goal is to infuse dignity and respect into it and associate it with a modern narrative.
But there are flaws in the phrase itself. "Stay-at-home" implies stagnancy, stuck in one place. If you’ve taken a pause for family life, you know you’re rarely at home. Your caregiving and networking are often outside the home. Plus, 1 in 5 stay-at-home parents are men right now.
So, I try to offer other languages that women and men can feel comfortable with, like "home parent" or "lead parent." I also encourage people to say, "I’m mostly home with my kids right now," or "I’m mostly with my kids and freelancing on the side," or "We’ll see what comes next."
Ultimately, I aim for a world where we don’t need fixed and finite titles to box us in. The black-and-white notions of stay-at-home and working don’t exist as they did. There’s much more of a vast gray area, and stepping away from these fixed boxes allows us to navigate our options more fluidly.
EM: You found in the American Mothers On Pause survey that more than 50% of working moms said they’re extremely or very likely to reduce their hours or downshift in the next two years. One in three women plan to completely pause their career in the next two years. So this is a very real thing that a LOT of us are going through.
Can you define what a career pause and a career downshift are and how we can know if that’s the right next thing for us?
Absolutely. I use "career pause" instead of "career break" because "break" feels more like a cut-off. A "pause" feels more open, like a comma, not a period.
My biggest recommendation would be to use any language you feel confident in.
A career pause means stepping away from traditional paid work to focus on family, wellness, and personal interests, with no professional pursuit alongside. Downshift describes the vast gray area between a fully at-home parent and working out of the home.
For example, I negotiated a two-day-a-week fractional role, downshifting from a previous five-day-a-week role. I’m still in a downshifted career, having shifted from the traditional workforce to working for myself. Sometimes, I work 30 hours a week, which is different from when I was fully at home, working in the fringe hours of family life.
Ultimately, a career pause may feel more like being completely focused on family life and using any time in the margins for yourself and your wellness. Downshifted careers may have some connection to paid and professional pursuits.
Even within a pause, there are women who identify with the gray area, like having a five-hour-a-week writing role. Embracing this fluidity allows people to dial up or down without penalty or shame.
In a world focused on six-figure and seven-figure business success, separating your identity from that can be challenging. How can we use a career pause to develop a sense of identity outside of a job title and success in work?
Identity is often the first stumbling block when women make a shift, whether it’s a pause or stepping away from the traditional workforce to freelance or consult. We attach so much self-worth and identity to our work.
For example, people at Google call themselves "Googlers." When I worked in brand marketing, I’d say, "I run brand at a startup," which conveyed my leadership, creativity, and tech-savviness in such a short sentence.
Parting with that title can be a soul-searching exercise. I remember word vomiting my first response to "What do you do?" after stepping away. You need to figure out what lights you up now, apart from the ego of your work. I realized I loved understanding women and writing words for them. This realization came from carving out time to read blogs, tinker with projects on Pinterest, and explore content that drew me in.
It’s completely okay to say/think that, “oh, I'm sad to have left that tech startup that was such an exciting industry”, but also know that that experience didn't disappear. That is still foundational and those skills don't evaporate. I am still a great brand marketer that part of my identity has not gone away. What I'm going to go step into in this next chapter is just additive to that.
On top of that, self-audit work is so important, whether through journaling, vision boarding, or reading self-development books. Having a constant practice of observing yourself and your interests helps you open up to new experiences.
Over a year or two, you’ll accrue data points that give you clues about what excites you. Documenting these accomplishments is important for when you revisit your resume. Keeping track of non-traditional achievements, like managing a relocation or volunteering, can also help when revisiting a resume. These do tell a story as you look back. Plus, this self-study process helps women understand what excites them and lights them up.
What are other ways women on a career pause can set goals and rhythms to help them enjoy the pause and find creativity within themselves?
This ties into the second section of my book, which is about giving yourself permission to embrace this chapter. If you’ve done the upfront work—identity work, financial preparation—you can realize this is your chapter.
Too often, we measure success by having a healthy, happy kid. But we set ourselves up for failure if we think a well-behaved child is a metric of our success as both a parent and a human being. Setting personal goals and family values helps you feel like you’re moving forward.
Goals don’t always need to be accomplished but provide a chance to reevaluate progress. This approach conserves energy for oneself and holds individuals accountable.
Read more: Why Traditional Productivity Hacks Don’t Work For Moms (5 Things to Remember Instead!)
You found in your survey that 37% of stay-at-home moms feel guilty outsourcing care because they aren’t earning a salary. How would you encourage moms who feel like they don’t deserve help?
Help is so important for all parents, especially home parents. We've inherited this trope that if you don’t do paid work, you don’t deserve support. But parenting is a 24/7 job, and the intellectual and emotional labor of parenting is demanding and warrants breaks.
I would say, have the financial preparation conversation with your partner before deciding on a pause. Make sure you’re both clear that even if you’re pausing paid work, you’re still contributing. This mindset will serve you, especially in the help conversation. You and your partner are interdependent. The partner working for pay is equally dependent on you for providing care and family administration.
I also recommend that you allocate budgets together, including for support. Investing in help benefits everyone. It’s not “coming out of your pay” but both of your joint finances. It’s important to know that it doesn’t have to be a full-time nanny or nothing. There are many options in between, like babysitter shares, playdate swaps, gym drop-offs, and paid childcare. These options are worthwhile for everyone. We have a ton of resources for you here as well!
How can women leverage time away from the traditional workforce to network, explore, and ultimately return stronger after a pause?
The networking piece is fascinating because many think their networks will die in motherhood, but our connections often deepen. You have more opportunities to connect because of repeat encounters at drop-offs, playgrounds, and PTA meetings. These interactions allow you to build a network.
Additionally, digital networks also provide a low-touch way to stay connected. LinkedIn is great for staying in touch and keeping up with industry news. Then, when you’re ready, you can merge your interests with your available networks.
Parting with the ego of your previous work allows you to test new ideas and explore different interests. Even if a passion project doesn’t work out, you learn and understand what lights you up. Connecting with people in your digital and real-life village creates opportunities.
You’ve said before, “you can have it all, as long as you define your all.” What encouragement do you have for women trying to figure out their "all" in their current season of motherhood?
The phrase "right now" is powerful. Embrace what you’re focusing on right now, whether it’s family life or dialing up your career. Give yourself an increment of time to embrace this stage and own what’s not for right now. Know you’re going to recalibrate in 6-12 months or whatever that looks like right now.
Focus on your choices and let go of what’s not your priority. I think the ownership of that is really powerful. It’s a long game, and you can dial up or in different directions when you’re ready.
You founded Mother Untitled in 2017, and now you have a book coming out, The Power Pause. What have you learned transitioning back to working more hours?
The "right now" methodology has been comforting. Even last year, especially when I was writing the book and growing at the same time, it was a hard year. I just had sort of fallen into this new career sprint that I wasn't prepared for from an infrastructure perspective, right? I didn't have a lot of childcare at the time. My kids were in school, but as we know, there are holidays and sick days, and there was a learning period. And so I would say that that applies to every transition. There is a learning period.
I had been the parent who managed a lot of the day-to-day, and now I can't be the default as much. So we needed to recalibrate around that, reexamining childcare and how much support we need to have to be able to feel secure. So we have a babysitter four afternoons a week during the school year for three hours. We either block and tackle on pickup, or she gets both kids, and then we all sort of reconvene at 4:30 and she helps prep dinner. That was a big shift, but it is what we needed for this season.
I think, as I said before, I think the “right now” piece was so helpful. It did feel at times that the guilt was eating me alive thinking, “I'm not the one doing pickup, all those mothers who always saw me at school now probably think I'm just disappearing”.
Then you realize you can do what keeps you healthy and whole, and my kids get to see me do this, and then eventually I have no doubt I will shift back.
And I think if I do my work and this movement works, I think all of our daughters and all of our children will grow up never really understanding what “stay at home” and “working mother” means. I think they'll just know that I was there, I was present, I got to do a lot of things I cared about, but I really made them the priority always.
Your book, The Power Pause, comes out in January 2025. What do you hope people will take from the book?
I’m excited for The Power Pause to be out there. When I stepped into at-home parenthood and found my way back to passion projects, I realized there was no guide for confidently stepping into a pause. The Power Pause provides guidance on identity, financial preparation, goal-setting, investing in help, and networking. It follows the arc of preparing to pause, walking through that stage, and returning with confidence. There are scripts for small talk and practical day-to-day guidance to help women navigate this stage with their heads held high. I’m so excited to have it out in the world.
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